My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
You Might Also Like
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
True.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?