Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
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Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s