A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.