Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.