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I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Thoughts
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined