paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I have so many questions.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Florida man
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.