Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah