Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I see your IQ test came back negative
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁