You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The glockness monster
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars