Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”