I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.