[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Merry Christmas
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose