I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Finally!