New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”