BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
October already? What’s next? November????
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Ummm
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?