What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine