There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???