“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.