[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Your secret is safeish with me
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.