[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit