when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.