Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
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If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Wednesday