I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.