*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet