I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
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Put the is in disheveled
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*