That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old