I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You Might Also Like
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.