I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
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if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Catering service
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?