Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
You Might Also Like
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
This makes total sense…
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“i miss shittin on people”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes