[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.