*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
You Might Also Like
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Y’all know who you are.