You Might Also Like
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me trying to reach for my goals
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Huge, if true.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.