WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
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It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Well, this explains it:
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
congratulations to them
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.