Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
You Might Also Like
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please