ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you