According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.