Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
nature’s most graceful animal