I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Coffee for people with no kids
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.