Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I am yelling
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Yoga Matt
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.