Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.