me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”