Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
is this a threat
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?