It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
This came to me in a dream.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.