Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior