Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
oh u like geography? name every lake
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I have many caverns
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?