So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.