[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
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Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go