Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time