If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You Might Also Like
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.