me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*